Double Fiction

Mojito flips through his planner to ascertain the exact time of his courtroom hearing.  It’s 7:00 a.m. and the hearing starts at 8:30. This case, frustrated homicide, is slowly leaving a sour taste on his palate. The witnesses for the prosecution seem successful in tailoring untruthful facts in their testimonies and Mojito’s job as a defense lawyer is to unstitch these lies to snatch his client from certain wrongful conviction.

Today, Mojito will cross-examine the prosecution’s second witness. His eyes scan the police blotter report. Blotter reports are crude, cryptic, and grammatically unforgivable. You could easily imagine the environment from which they are prepared – noisy, humid Police stations with loud mouth cops re-telling the lastest x-rated dvd they watched. Mojito points at a figure in the blotter. “There, the complainant is only 1 year old” Mojito chuckles.

“Entry               no:        4568

Date                       :      23 Oct. 2010

Time                      :      10:00 AM

Compalint               :      For record

Recorded by           :      P01 LUCIO S. SEMPLANG

            ICOW Entry No. 4568 dated Oct. 23, 2011. Victim one LEOPOLDO T. QUOLATADO, Born on December 7, 2010, single, Farmer, Native of Brgy. Tuldok, Island Garden City of Samal, and a resident of Sitio Kawa, Brgy. Paquibato, Davao City, appeared before this office. Initial investigation conducted disclosed that on Sept. 3, 2010 about 5:00 PM at Sitio Kawa, Brgy. Paquibato, Davao City, Particular in the more or less 1Klm from the house of the victim, … Allegedly hurl a hollow block hitting the right side of the victim, resulting to the injury thereon.”

Mojito’s mind drifts. He sees P01 Semplang takes the witness stand. He looks intently at him. The Police Officer is in his late 40’s, typically fat, with a bloated belly. No one is immune in the witness stand, not even Police Officers. They appear anxious, timid, and unsure, like a caged animal cowering in the unfamiliar territory. Mojito sees P01 Semplang making circular motions with his thumbs.

“Mister witness, you’ve been a Police Officer for 25 years, correct?”

“Yes, your Honor”

“And for the last 15 years, your job consist of making blotter reports, is that correct?”

“Yes, your Honor”

Mojito looks down on his notes. He firmly holds the copy of the blotter report that P01 Semplang had made.

“You prepared a blotter report in this case, Mr. witness?”

“Yes, your Honor”

“I’m showing you this document. Could you please identify this.”

P01 Semplang studied the document, holds it with his right hand and after a second, returns it to Mojito and says, “That is a copy of the blotter report I made in this case your Honor”. Mojito takes a few steps backward. His voice is firmer and louder now.

“The contents of this blotter report are true and correct, Mr. witness?”

“Yes, your honor”

“And according to this blotter report the complainant victim is a farmer is that correct?”

“Yes, your Honor, that is correct”

Mojito slaps hard the worn out mahogany table in front of him with his right palm. The sound ricochets through the tiny courtroom. Judge Roberta, who looks like Miriam Defensor Santiago’s biological twin, blurts out a startled gurgle “aybilatsangina!” Mojito himself is taken aback by what he just did. He looks up and sees Judge Miriam holding and pointing the courtroom mallet at him and hollers,

“Don’t you dare do that again Atty. Mojito!”

“Sorry, your Honor”

“May I proceed your honor?” Mojito sheepishly says.

“Proceed. Absolutely no banging this time!”

“Yes your honor”

Mojito glances at P01 Semplang who obviously suppresses a smirk. Mojito showed him the blotter report again and asks,

“How can a 1 year old infant be a farmer, Mr. witness?”

“Huh?” P01 Semplang shows a baffled face.

“Look at this blotter again and read this line aloud”

P01 looks at the sentence pointed by Mojito and begins reading aloud. “ICOW Entry No. 4568 dated Oct. 23, 2011. Victim one LEOPOLDO T. QUOLATADO, Born on December 7, 2010, single, Farmer, Native of Brgy. Tuldok, Island Garden City of Samal,” he says.

“Could you please read again the complainant’s date of birth” Mojito demands.

“Born on December 7, 2010” P01 Semplang says.

“Why, the complainant was just born last year, isn’t that correct Mr. witness?”

“Objection your honor!” The prosecutor who remains silent up to this point angrily shouts. “Your honor, this is simply a typo mistake”

He looks old and wrinkled with a squealing, high pitch, mono-syllabic voice like that of Justice Cuevas. His crumpled hair displays the aura of a seasoned prosecutor, like a combat general standing defiantly in the battle field shouting orders to his cowering soldiers amidst the explosions and flying bullets.

“Your honor, this witness had just told this court that this blotter report which he made was accurate and true” counters Mojito.

Just then, a damp hand touches Mojito’s shoulder. He turns to see his wife standing in front of him, with an oil dripping spatula in hand and alarmedly says, “It’s already 8:00 a.m. You’ll be late for your hearing!”

The Avengers:3D Experience

How do you eat lunch when you’re squirming to see “The Avengers”? You stuff the whole thing down your throat hard, praying your eyes do not pop out of their sockets. We did, or at least I did. People I know swore about the movie. Its going to be the best movie of the year they say. Wait. What did I have for lunch? I couldn’t remember.

We rushed to the escalator of GMall to catch the 2:30 movie schedule. On the way I thought a cup of brewed coffee from CHiCCOS would be perfect – the contrast of numbing air-condition inside the cinema and the hot liquid creeping through my esophagus seemed so inviting. Two cups of brewed coffee at P90 per cup (which is P180 in total) were coming right up. I heard the cash register went “bling”, “bling”. Instinctively my hand felt my wallet. Nah, this is once in a lifetime.

Our hearts sank upon seeing the movie cashier populated by long lines of dark-skinned malays under various heights, apparels, and hair-dos. All the cinemas at GMALL showing “The Avengers” were full to the brim.  And while we were discussing our options we heard a movie staff announced “all seats for the 3:30 show are taken”. I turned to see my young daughter and my testosterone-driven son stood like zombies, eyes not flinching, with looks of despair falling down their faces.

“Let’s try NC Mall”,

“NC Mall, Yeheeey!” the young girl shouted.

“What if it’s also full?” testosteron asked.

We leaped towards the parking area, skidded down its long, steep curves and found ourselves at the NC Mall underground parking space, in maybe 5 minutes ( yeah its really more than that). On the third floor, I could smell body heat spewed freely all over the building. The music from the rows of video games were blaring. I had never seen NC Mall so populated. I felt like I was in a trance - I see lips, tongues, thin face, round face, oblong face, bloated belly, plain torso, children screaming, black heads, white heads, gray heads, etc. But the most despairing sight of all was the long lines of people towards the cinemas.

  

As we were easing our way in the long line, my wife says,

“Why don’t I check the cashier and inquire about the other cinemas if they’re not so full?”

“Good Idea.” I said.

After a minute the wife came back excited.

“The 3D cinema is soooo vacant. No one’s lining up there.”

“Good. How much is a ticket?”

“P220 per head”

“My…”

After about, a twinkling of an eye, I said,

“Okey, let’s go. Let’s watch it 3D”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

My hand felt my wallet again.

We were first in the line of 10 people. No one was allowed to enter the theater until the show ended and the people got out. After 5 minutes of slumping all my body weight on my two worn out -43 year - old legs, I went toward the lady guard and asked,

“Excuse me, when do we get our 3D eye glasses?”

“When you’re seated in sir.”

“Okay”

To keep my mind away from my aching legs, I read the bulletin on the wall directly in front of me. It was a disclaimer – “in case of damaged or destroyed 3D eye glasses, a penalty of P4, 000.00 shall be imposed”. I felt a rush of concern coming through me. I turned to my companions - a wife, 10 year old daughter and a teenage son. Sternly I said,

“Whatever you’ll do inside, never, ever, do anything stupid on the 3D eye glasses. Okay?”

“Okay” the two kids replied.

“Or else, I’ll give you two as the payment”

We finally got in. The 3D eyeglasses were handed carefully to us one by one. They came with clear plastic wrappers. While the rest of the eye glasses have cords mine did not have one. I stormed to the cinema lady again.

“Why is my 3D eye glass does not have any cord? Is this normal?”

“It’s alright sir”

“Can I have another one?”

“That will be fine sir”

“Okay”

Finally, after the long and tiresome traversing, running, standing, waiting, we settled on our nice, soft and cold chairs.

“I need to pee” I heard myself saying.

“My goodness. Now? Alright, Tea and I will go first then you and Gio next”

“Okay”

“Watch my bag”

“No problem”

After about 15 minutes, the wife and the little girl came back and effortlessly settled on their chairs. I stood up, tapped my son gently on the shoulder and said,

“Gio, would you like to pee?”

“No”

“You don’t want your urinary bag bursting out when Thor hammers down Loki’s butt right?”

“No”

“Take a leak!”

“No”

“Last chance.”

“No”

“Okay”

In the course of the movie I went to the rest room twice – first when Black Widow showed off her fat behind and second when the green Hulk rag-dolled Loki on the cold pavement of Stark tower. And for the rest of the movie, I should say you’ll miss ¾ of your life if you don’t watch it, and half if you don’t watch it in 3D.

Existential Blues

Love Bell "The Love Guru"

LOVE BELL: Mga kaibigan, narito na naman tayo sa ating mainit na programang "Love Bell 'The Love Guru'. Ngayon po, as usual, babasahin natin ang mga liham ng ating mga taga-subaybay. Ito po ang liham ni Rika.

"Dear Love Bell. Isa ako sa inyong napakaraming tagahanga. Ako po ay si Anaclita Hayahay, Rika for short. Isa ho akong kasambahay. May nobyo ho akong ang pangalan ay si Tibo. Nagsimula ho ang pag-mamahalan namin sa isang text lamang. Napadalas ang aming pag-tetext hanggang sa na-uwi sa eye-ball ang lahat. Masayang-masaya ho ako sa simula. Palagi nya akong dinadala sa Jolibee. Umo-order sya parati ng hotdog sandwich para sa'kin. Damang-dama ko ho ang pag-ibig ni Tibo. Ngunit isang araw, tila nag bago ho ang lahat. Hindi na ho kami sa Jolibee pumupunta kundi sa mga sidewalk vendors na lang. Yan ho ang totoo Love Bell. Hindi na ho hotdog ang ino-order nya para sa'kin kundi kwek-kwek nalang ho. Ang tanong ko po sa inyo ay kung mahal pa kaya ako ni Tibo? Nagmamahal - Rika".

LOVE BELL: Mga kaibigan, yan ho ang malungkot na liham ni Rika.

LOVE BELL: Alam mo Rika, hindi naman nasusukat ang pag-ibig ninoman sa pagkain lamang. Nasusukat ito sa ibang aspeto ng buhay. Hindi porke't hindi na hotdog ang binibili ni Tibo para sa'yo ay hindi kana nya mahal.

LOVE BELL: Malay mo, wala lang talaga syang pera. Kina-kapos yong tao. Maawa ka naman. Ang mahal pa naman ngayon sa Jolibee. Malay mo, ang pera pala nya ay napupunta na lahat sa kwek-kwek na binibili nya para sa'yo. It's not the gift that matters it's the effort. O haa?

LOVE BELL: Kaya ikaw Rika, cool ka lang. At saka, masarap naman ang kwek-kwek a. Katunayan paborito ko ang kwek-kwek. Maka limang kwek-kwek nga ako isang araw. Alam mo bang super paborito ko ang kwek-kwek kaya ako, kwek-kwek sa umaga, kwek-kwek sa tanghali at kwek-kwek sa gabi. At hindi lang masarap ang kwek-kwek, puno pa ito ng protina. O haa?

LOVE BELL: Kaya chill kalang Rika. Yong boyfren ko nga, dinala ako sa santong kwek-kwekan. Kaya eto ako ngayon, na hilig na sa kwek-kwek.

LOVE BELL: Kaya ikaw kwek,,, este, Rika, wag mong isipin na hindi ka na Mahal ni Tibo. Be positive okey? Next letter sender...

Courtroom Anxiety

Tonk Kat

The Problem of Pain

I visited a lawyer friend last friday and we talked a good deal about our jobs. Soon, our conversation turned to God. My friend explained that he is not quite sure what to believe about God anymore although he is quick to say that He still believe there's God. He is not sure whether he could embrace the God of the bible considering the situation of the world today

"What about the situation of the world today?" I asked.

"Well there's a lot of killing, disaster, famine, etc., I mean how can someone like 'God' exist amidst all these?" he replied.

"That's a fair and legitimate observation. But that's not a new critique against Christianity or any religion for that matter. This has been asked many centuries ago. In fact, this question has been ably answered by noted Christian thinkers such as C.S. Lewis" I explained.

In essence this question is saying that the idea of a loving and powerful God cannot co-exist with a world full of suffering and pain. If God is the God of love, he would not allow his creatures to suffer. And if He is all powerful, He can eradicate all suffering. Since suffering still exist today, then God is neither loving nor all powerful. In other words, he does not exist.

"What would happen, if God would act on every whims of prayer every person makes on earth?" I asked him. 

We all make foolish prayer - "God please let me win this lotto game", "God please make him love me", "God please make him suffer", or "May you go to hell".

"If you want God to act on every prayer, why not ask God to make us all good persons and just simply obey all his commands. But in such case, that would make us all robotic". I explained.

"You see, freewill is a precious gift from God. He made us with a rational mind and a freewill to choose and act between good and evil. With a rational mind, we know the distinction between right and wrong. With a freewill, we have the power to choose and to do that which is right or wrong. In other words, we get to decide what to will. This is one of the reasons why there exist pain, suffering or evil in this world" I said.

I could see his face brightened. He seemed to see things in a different light now. But then, he seemed hesitant to rationally commit to anything. My watch says 3:30 p.m. and I still have a client to see. We exchanged cards and invited him to our little group discussion every saturday. He said he's not available this coming saturday. I told him I'll just visit him sometime. He said he'll be in his office most of the time.

The Art of Being A Man

Yesterday, I was browsing some old books over at the NC Mall, Booksale and I saw this eye-popping book:

This book's title is loud and clear - "How To Mow The Lawn". Sounds so innocent and domesticated. And it's daringly practical. No one nowadays know for sure how to mow their lawns. What got my attention however was the caption above the title - "THE LOST ART OF BEING A MAN". Now if you desire a closer look at this caption, let me show you.

How's that for a caption, huh? I didn't know that being a man was an art. Much more that this is now a lost art. The author has the brilliant idea of restoring this lost art by suggesting some plan of action - mowing the lawn. To the author's mind, there is no other way to do this restoration plan than this. He is so excited about the idea that he made this the very title of his book.

I understand that this book belongs to an era where mowing lawns was venerated as the epitomic symbol of manhood. This was the Al Capone world. This was the time when to spit anywhere, pee anywhere, puke anywhere, etc. were nothing but manly. This was the world where there were only two gender classification - male and female. The in-betweens were massacred indiscriminately and with impunity.

How time flies. Now, we have "azimo" taking care of our lawns. Well actually, we don't need much of lawns these days. We put marble slabs all over the place so we do not have to worry about the grass. Besides, grasses are breeding ground for animal dung. And nothing destroys your holy morning devotional hour than the sight of a wet, colored, and a moundful cat waste. Your spiritual glory just fly off the window.

Now to wrap this up, here below are some course of actions the author suggest to regain this lost art: